Still not happy, but not depressing.

          It's that time again, I'm 19 y/o now and very soon I'll turn 20 in a blink of an eye. It makes me wonder, what am I doing with my life? Because until now, I still felt I am unhappy with the surrounding and the friends I had.

          Even though I am a college student, I still have no idea what will I be studying for the next 4 years and there's a high possibility I won't have a stable job. This worried me. I don't want to become a typical Asian businessman who working in Malaysia (or Singapore. Or Asia). Truth is, I want to continue forth my dream to United States (or Europe countries) doing the job I like or better yet, have a relationship (yes I get lonely too).

          But all in all, the only thing that might hold me back is THAT old man. One thing I can be sure of, if I ever get out of this country to pursuit my dream, I won't be coming back. 

*gasp*

Finally I have a week holiday break! There are some small changes in life now, can't tell everything is better but I'm fine nonetheless.

A small reminder: my 19th birthday is coming soon! It can be either a few friends or none at all celebrate with me. But as long as I set my heart to somewhere else, I'll be okay :) .

Still... something's not right

          I'm doing my best to finish all the assignments before due, finding the balance between work and play. But it still did not help me to stop feeling alone and being alienated, it was like I am trapped in a world and force to socialize with those people that don't understand me.

          The hardest part of everyday life is when every night I closes my eyes, imagine and knowing there is a dream land out there where nobody’s perfect but they will embrace me for who I am. And here I am, trying to reach out of that place.

          Back to college, the English lecturer didn’t seem to likes me very much. It has been proven it is not the result of me being paranoiac because my friends are noticing his unfair action too. Lucky for me, the past year I’ve been training myself not to give a fuck of all the criticism. Therefore, well... screw him. 

Other lecturer treated me fine though, one of them even complimented me a gentleman. (Now, now, don't laugh.)

Update. and more nagging.

Can somebody please explain to me why this foundation I study is so fucking hard? Seriously, tons of assignment has been given and I’m starting to feel the stress. Shouldn’t foundation supposed to be as easy as pie?

It had been a few weeks since I started my class, not to my surprise, most of my classmates are terrible in English and they’re all sucks ball. Not to mention majority of them have problem with group assignments. Conversely, my friend study the same foundation as me but he get to finish it in 3 months. Other than this reason, I am jealous of him because he is excused from the subject such as Malaysian Studies and English. Also reminded me of why I am insisted to study in Singapore in the first place, but that didn't worked out as planned. huh?

Regardless of all the assignments and tests, everything is well. And because I am trying to finish all the assignments in time, I don’t really get a chance to shopping anymore. Which is, a great way to save money. (I said it in a way as optimistic as possible)

Thus, all I wanted to do now is get this semester over with. So I can have some time to play this game I bought recently “The Sims 3: Supernatural”.

‘Till next time. Fin. 

Getting used to new change.. and more surprise!

Me w/ new bought MacBook Pro    

It's been 5 days since I moved to Kuala Lumpur (technically "Subang Jaya, Selangor"), and college first day is just 3 days away. I starting to get used to the accommodation and the feeling that mixed with fear and excitement.

The decision of making this change(study in KL) is going good and even better than I expected. Now that I think of it, things are work out so well that I starting to believe that is a guardian watching over me.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I bought a MacBook Pro w/ Retina display? Best of all, I don't have to pay any single penny, how good is that? It's all started because of one casual chat with an Aunt (my pop's friend) and I stated out my notebook is old, crappy and the battery is broken and she told him 'bout it. So basically I wouldn't have this expensive macbook right now if I didn't insist to goto KL study in the first place.

That's all the sharing for now, maybe I'll try to blog more often when I have any interesting story and less busy about the future-college-assignment. Time for lunch, gotta go.

The Way It Is

I guess I can finally announce it by now, since the first semester & accommodation have paid. 

This August, I'm going to be a college student, yes, a college student study a subject that he never would like.

It's so stupid to think that I can actually have a choice in this, a year before I decided not to study in Malaysia because of all sort reason and further consideration. But now, look at me, a desperate move; study a subject that I hate the most and in a nation that probably will screw me up. Because I had that one parent doesn't cared what I'm interested but only WHERE I study.

Still, I wished to pass this foundation and move to mass communication study (not my best option, but at least better). What I'm most fear is I can almost foreseen between this time gap THAT guy will let me suffer all over again.




I'm scared, scared of by the time I finished diploma etc study I would be old, old enough not be able to achieve my American dream before 29y/o. 


Despite of all above, let's look on the bright side. I'M GOING TO FUCKING STUDY! and... have to start socialize making new friends again :3

Inked

You don't get to tell me who I am, I'M telling you who I am.

I'm gifted a tattoo for my 18th birthday, to remind myself what I am and who I am. However, not all people understand it and they probably will never try. But at least they can do is shut their mouth before saying: "You will regret this tattoo, mark my words." this load of crap. I DON'T NEED THIS.


"You can't pleased everyone in this world." is a phrase to live by. People will ALWAYS tended to judge you no matter how many/ little things you done. When I'm about to get inked, I am prepared to take the ignorant judgement & negative comment from either friends/family/strangers. Despite that, I still wished they didn't say anything.


Don't get me wrong, I love my inked and I don't regret or plan to regret in the near future either. Everyone has the right to do what they felt right as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, so before you open your mouth and ready to judge or say anything negative 'bout my tattoo, why don't you go to the nearest grocery store and buy some clorox and drink it instead? or, you can just snap out of it.

I can tell you what this tattoo meant to me, but I don't think you will understand. Because as much as I know, not many people can truly understand the meaning behind the words and what it is mean to someone.
because if you can do that, you would not judge in the first place without understand it first.


Though, positive comments are always welcome. :)

$oul

It is like the god screaming at me: "I'm trying to help you but you keep running away!"

It's been awhile since I have any interesting story worth update to my blog, come to think of it, I'm still the same old me a year ago. 

When I was a kid, everything around me is screwed up and the adults who trying to explain to me the things that they don't understand. And now, the only solution I know that could solved every problem is: money. 

Who says money cannot buy happiness? If only I have money to travel, learn & buy whatever I want, why would I still be sad? Whoever said that probably is just greedy as fuck. Because people only know how to treasure when it's gone, right?

Recently I started to save money for budget of a new Alienware laptop, due to the fact that I've never owned a descent laptop before, I want this to be the absolute perfect for me. Of course, perfection don't come cheap, RM$12,000 would be the budget include all the installation and enchantment. P/s: don't need to remind me, I know that is A LOT of money.

Stress level: 70%

It's been a long time since the last event that can lifted up my spirit, but the lonesome 2 days trip that I had last week seem to brighten me up a little, just a little.

The main point of this trip is me going to Kuala Lumpur retrieved information of the college I may-or-may-not study in. But since I'm already at who I am, why not a little fun? After all the fed' up and crap I've been through, I deserved it.

I have never felt so free than ever when I dance and drink at the disco 'till 3a.m., all the negative and depress thought seem to be gone, all I wanted to do is living in the moment. Of course, deep down I knew this is not a permanently solution but a temporary getaway from all the disaster and shitty people. Anyhow, I'm had a great fun on this two night.

Now, I'm backed and it is time for me to face the cruel reality again. I am going to show that JERK about the college information and this is all, I ain't gonna say anything this time.

To the no future

[ when god closes a door he opens a window ]

but, why did you slam the door in my face and imprison me?

I can't, I can't forgive the hate I have for him, and the thought of it make me depress.

What did you know about me, what do anyone of you out there know about me?!! After all, I'm not a saint as you think I am. I'm just a mean regular human being but instead of judging and criticize everything I'd rather struggling inside and hate everybody. That is why sometime I acted insane and mad at somebody for no reason.

FUCK IT, FUCK YOU, FUCK EVERYTHING. AND DON'T BOTHER TO GIVE ME 'WHEN YOU JUDGE OTHERS THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FIRST' THAT KIND OF CRAP, BECAUSE EVERYBODY SUCKS AND I HATE YOU ALL.

Torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel,
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.

Illusion never changed, into something real,
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.

Give me another life..

That terrible moment when your anger turns to tears.

Life is not a bed of roses

Sometime, I wish the time can be stopped.

So I can stop thinking of my future without killing myself.

"People tended to tell you to be yourself, and then they judge you."

This night, I recalled some high school memories and one of them is what my english teacher used to taught me: "Life isn't a bed of roses." I've always knew the meaning of this phrase but sadly I never understood it... until now.

As the matter of fact, I am everything that I used to said I'm not. Ironically, it is so funny because this is true and tragic as it appeared to be.

Remember I used to said: "I am not that kind of person staying home without going to college? or never gonna study in this country?" Look, what I am in now? Ha, should I be impressed how life tricked me? or be extremely sad?

I don't know.... :'(

Mad Carnival

Did you see his face? He scared the shit out when I holding a knife towards him.

Really? you know, I want you to die so bad, but not by my hand.

Talk about letting go, you couldn't do it do you? Even you said so.

You're definitely not the man of your words, that's for sure. I don't expect much from you, but at least STFU when you have absolute no clue of what you're talking about.

Seriously, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Fed' up

SHITHOLE

I... couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't ask for more, just that one thing. That one thing can made my life so much easier than what I am in now. That one thing represented the beginning of everything.

Fear

I wanted to finish this post before I am still sane. Because early today, I found myself curling at the corner of the room and knowing that I could easily gone mad at any moment.

Easy saying, I NEED THERAPY. NOW.

You see, the optimism does not work well after all. No matter how many times I have embraced the desire for America, the brutal of truth are always there. Therefore, when this two great deal of 'universe' collapsed, the infinity amount of 'fear' had been born and slowly engulf me. The fear of not going to any college, the fear of the future, the fear of dream being shattered.

So, when just now I found myself curled up at the corner, I took a looked at everything around me and an anonymous fear crawled up to my throat and told me: EVERYTHING IS WRONG, EVERYTHING IS WRONG, EVERYTHING IS SO WRONG. Apparently, I am halfway gone mad. And if it happened to anyone watching this post, please take this seriously.

Invoke the code - Unforgivable Code

TO:

Specifically someone may or may not watching this blog,

someone that told me my America dream ain't gonna come true.

I don't expect anybody to feel the desire that I do for America, but just be mindful of the words that split out of your trouty mouth might make me dislike you FOREVER otherwise.

Give me a second to make this clear for you, just because your dream are dead does not mean that I am too. In addition, your tragic & pathetic life are none of my business as well as I did not give a fuck of how you may lived your life. So, why don't you (whoever-this-may-be) SHUT THE HELL UP because I am going to achieve my dream nonetheless.

Last but not least, I can assured you that my heart are cold and my steps won't stop for ANYONE else, literally. Love and relationship are just plain gross and disgusting for me. That's all for you, PEACE.

Even now

Stupid?

Stupid is watching all of your friends make plans for their future
and realizing that you have none at all.

No plans, no college, nowhere to go.

All I have here is everything that I don't want, and...

And I have no idea what I'm doing.

1 Day 24 hours 1440 minutes and 86400 seconds. I've wasted most of it and the fear of getting old and accomplished nothing before I die are engulfed me bit by bit everyday.

Though, it is part of me to blame. Blame for whining too many times and not take much action. Yes, that is something I am aware of but for the most part I won't take any other judgement. Because no one in the world know what exactly is going on to me, everybody just want to talk JUNK and compared their life to mine. Which is, I found highly annoying and want them to shut the hell up for their ignorant's sake.

One more thing that I found irritating is when people called me stubborn just because I didn't do as they told or like. Example, I have to force myself to like a certain thing that I hate the most, otherwise I am defined as a 'stubborn' person. Sometime, people just cannot understand the meaning of "I DON'T WANT". What a strange and stupid world we lived in, huh?

Broken-down again, again and again... again.

Even now and then, nobody used to stand beside me and listen to me, support the way I am and nobody cared. Ironically, the last person that I can go to --- My grandpa, are not believed in me anymore (even though I haven't seen him in like, 2years?).

Why oh why? Why that is nothing good in my life since I graduated from high school? Why my life have to suppose to be like this? Briefly, It is all wrong and twisted!

So what I colored my hair?

So what I inked?

So what I am a freak that so obsessed in United State and english language?

SO WHAT

So what I doesn't fit in here...

2012; trouble already

...So, it's 2012 and that doesn't made 2011's trouble left behind. In fact, it is time to worry about the college stuff again (ironic enough, I've talk about this a dozen time in 2011).

Any-whore, I am struggling between either fashion design or fashion marketing. This two subject are the most interested to me BUT these both subject need to required at least basic drawing skill, which is, not in my talent-budget list at all (Come to think of it, I have no talent at all, what a loser).

In spite of the course that troubling me, the most difficult part out of all this are actually that hateful hag - HIM. Because I don't think he will do any less hateful thing to me since he already wasted my WHOLE FUCKING YEAR doing nothing. In addition, he does not care or help me find a fine college at this time! What an asshole...

2012 Pilot

No shit, how could I improve my english grammar and speech skill in this country? argh!

First and foremost, it's funny to think that my friends doesn't cared so much about me but they are actually stalking me on facebook, even though they did not comment on those post. What I'm trying to say is: I really am appreciate on these friend (you know who you are, lol). Thank you!

Second of all, since it is revealed on Christmas gathering, so I guess that is no point to hide it.

As the matter of fact, I am surprise indeed by one of my friend that recognized the meaning of this tattoo. But opposite from that, tattoo give an evil / gangsta presence to most of the old folks in this country. Erm... there are some people in this world you just can't pleased, right? So screw them ignorant jack ass and be myself is the best solution at this point of my life. #Peace

Last but not least, why does everyone I've newly met had to treat me like some kind of an innocent kid? At one point, I'm probably watched more prono than they do, lol. #JK #ButReally

In addiction, I might be immature but am can at least differentiate what is right or wrong (but I'd probably do it anyway, duh).

That's all for now, Happy New Year 2012 once again and stay health always :)

~Fin~