A story about him.

This is a story about him, my father. A memoirs about how he is a lousy father and a terrible, terrible person.

He is never a direct person, he likes to talk in an indirect way and would never express what he is thinking, even though he is clearly trying to manipulate me, he would go as far as to denying himself the truth and trying to make his lies into a reality.

Back when I was in high school, he promised he would send me to America to study once I graduated. It was everything that I wanted, but when the time comes, he refused to fulfilled what he has promised to me. When I confronted him about it, I asked a simple question: "Did you, or did you not promised to send me to US to study?" I wanted a simple answer, "Yes or No". He never did came through with an answer, he kept quiet for a while and then proceed to talk about something else; and I asked another question: "Do you, or do you not want to send me to US to study?", the answer is plain and clear, he never did want me to study anywhere else than in Malaysia, but he did not said it, because he is a fucking coward and because if he DID say it, it would means he admitting he broke his promise.

When I was around 13~15 years old, he would forced me to drink black coffee. He claimed black coffee is good for me and forced me to drink it everyday even though I repeatedly told him I hated it. So one day this friend of mine visited me and she had a little chat with him, he twisted the truth, told my friend that he made 'hot chocolate' for me but I dump it in the toilet. When I confronted him, he pretended to not know what he has said. He did not only told a lie, but he was also trying to turned my friend against me. What kind of parent does that?

Because he never did his duty as a father, I stayed with a nanny until very late of age (about 17y/o). I knew this nanny going through my stuff while I was away and would report everything she found to him, so I wrote a "fake" diary, in which I would write everything I want him to hear (eg. wanting a new laptop) in this fake diary and waiting for the nanny to read it to him. In this fake diary I also wrote how he never fulfills any of his promises and he scolded me for no reason at all. When I was with him, he will do this passive-aggressive thing, hinted what I had wrote in my diary and tried to guild trip me for what I had wrote about him. He absolutely did not feels any guilt about going through my diary at all.

He is truly a passive-aggressive asshole. Because I am gay and (obviously) never have a girlfriend, he will do this thing where he tried to incorporate the topic to every conversation. When I asked for a car, he would say: "you don't have a girlfriend why would you need a car for?" or when I suggested making one of the empty room in the house to a guest room, he would say: "you don't have a girlfriend why would you need a guest room for?" He always does this really bad passive-aggressive-not-very-subtle hint almost every time I talk to him, this is one of the reason (besides the hatred I have for him) that I distant myself from him and avoid talking to him at all costs.

He is also a fucking slob. He had this abnormal lifestyle - he slept until evening and stayed up all night, he never cleaned his room or washed his bed sheet (not even once!). But what is beyond this fucked-up lifestyle is that he accused my cleanliness and normal sleep schedule is "abnormal". He is so fucked up he thought other people's completely normal lifestyle is unusual. How fucking crazy is that?!!

Unfortunately there are more of this madness, he is very easily influence by others but he would always tried to justify his actions and his decisions is all him. He is also an indecisive fuck and a control freak. Here's what he did:

When I've chosen to major in psychology
- he asked me not to
- he went as far as to prevented me from attend university altogether

When I've decided to major in hotel management instead (because he wasted 1 year of my life not letting me study anything)
- at first he was okay with it
- after he went to the student service center and have a talk with the consultant there, he told me not to study hotel management because "it's for woman". (I found out later the consultant told him majority of the hotel management students are female.)

When I want to study in Singapore
- he is strongly against the idea, just like he never wanted me to study in USA.

When I gave in, decided to study in Malaysia
- he suddenly asked me to study in Singapore instead (what the fuck?)
- be extremely racist, trying to justify the reason he don't want me to study in Malaysia because "there are many black guys in Kuala Lumpur, they would rob me and hit me". Even though it is HIS idea in the first place.

So eventually I told him I will study in Malaysia first, after that I will study in Singapore
- he was still spurting nonsense about the black guys
- still want me to study in Singapore

When I told him the accommodation and course is fully paid (in Malaysia)
- he said just leave it, it is not a big deal. (keep in mind one of his reason not letting me study in USA is because "he don't have enough money". WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE)
- since it is paid for, he really don't have a said in this matter anymore, so I moved to KL to study

When I moved to KL
- on the phone he told me, I can study whatever I want now, he won't control me anymore (obviously another mindset influence by others, not long ago he won't even support me)

After I finished my study in Malaysia, ready to moved to Singapore
- he suddenly tried to persuade me to continue my study in Malaysia (again, what the fuck?)


All of these may sounds crazy, but it was all true to the core. This is the kind of insanity I have to deal with. I cannot escape from him now because I am still depends on him financially, but I swear to old gods and the new I will definitely cut this toxic person out of my life once I am able to financially support myself.

MORE!
He used to asked me: "do you trust me?" I gave a firm "No." respond. Trust is not something you get just because you're a parent, it is something you earn. And since he tried to manipulate, lie and made empty promises to me all my life, I simply couldn't bring myself to say yes. Knowing him, the real motive behind the question is so he can tell his cousins and sisters that I said I don't trust him even though he is my father, to make me looks like a bad guy. Oh, did I not mentioned before? It's a thing he does, he likes to pictured his son as the "bad guy" in this dysfunctional family to every relative members. He does not care the reason why I do not trust him, he's just happy that I DID said I don't trust him so he had another story to tell, another story to make me the "disrespectful son".

Another similar story is back when I was 16y/o and still living with the nanny. He asked me "do I want to live with him" and I answered "no." Why is that? If you have been paying attention you would have known by now that we are incompatible and I absolutely despised living with this crazy person. But does he care about the reason? nope. He then proceed to called up his sisters and cousins and told them I said I don't want to live with him. His true purpose is to make me looks bad, that's all he does. About 2 years later I was forced to lived with him because I am too grown up to live with a nanny. It is just as I expected: a fucking nightmare. We quarrel every single day and I tried to avoid him by locking myself in the room. I have seen this disaster coming from miles away.

He is also fucking creepy, he wants to know my every single movement. He even installed a CCTV in the living room, claiming it is for security reason, but he somehow installed the display in his room and he is the only one have access to it. He will forever denied the true purpose of installing a CCTV in the living room, hell, he will install a CCTV in my room too if he can. That is something wrong with him and outsiders could not see it, he concealed so well but he is actually a functional sociopath.


There is no way in heaven nor hell I can bring myself to recompensed how he has ruined my childhood. He does not feel sorry nor remorse, he only cares about himself and himself only. He is an irresponsible, childish, passive-aggressive, manipulative and creepy freak. I do not see him as my father, I see him as a one true negative in my life, a robber who rob of my childhood and a murderer who kills my dreams.



P/s: Believe it or not, if he ever comes across this, the first thing in his mind wouldn't be contrite. He would proceed to do the following:

1. Justify his wrong doing
2. Disregards what he actually did wrong
3. Tell his cousins, sisters & friends what I have wrote (while twisted some of the story in his favor)
4. Try to guilt me for wrote out his wrong doing for all the world to see

This is just the kind of person he is, he is just THAT predictable.

Back to zero

Just when I thought I've got everything under control, things are starting to fall apart.

There must be something wrong with me, whether it is my resting bitch face or my general attitude towards people. It keeps people away from me, they don't want to talk to me or gets to know me better. People think I am a bad person without given me a chance to prove that I'm not. I am also always that one guy that nobody wants to sit with in every occasion.

From my observation and experience, I found out that people like to think I am an easily angered person or a person that likes to complain (even though I am totally NOT). I have been trying hard to change this image but it just doesn't work very well for me, I have no idea what I did wrong along the way. It just seem like I emitted some sort of energy to keep people away from me.


---

Recently I got into (and out of) a *very* short relationship, it lasted about a month and he did not have the balls to say the words in the end. But I got the clue from his lack of response and decided it may be best for both of us to just not to talk to each other anymore. It should have been a red flag from the beginning, because he is proud of his 'passive-aggressive' attitude ever since I met him, I do not feels sad or heart-broken because his self-centered trait makes me feels like we're not in the relationship to being with. Maybe it is for the best, but since all of my friends from Diploma went back to their home country and my other friends from outside the school is from my ex-boyfriend side, I am once again left friendless and all alone.

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

Here goes:

When I was finally done with orthodontic treatment, my dentist offered the option to "crown build up" my front teeth so it would look bigger. I remember asking her if it will cost extra and she clearly said no.


After she trimmed all 4 of my front teeth for the crowning (when we have passed the point of no return), she dared to slammed me with 7 thousand bucks for 4 crown. I was both shock and horrified when the receptionist handed me the bill. I then ran to her office and asked her to explain what is the meaning of all this, that is when she said that the "build up" was free but not the "crowning". Now I have no choice but to go with it since my perfectly healthy front teeth is now ruined.

I am a 22 y/o student with no income, it never occurred to her that she should at least let me know the total or give me a written estimate of how much it would cost before she trimmed down my front teeth?!! I have no choice but to emptied my hard earned saving to cover the cost. Ceramic crown doesn't last forever, so it won't be before long I have to spend this much money for a replacement or in the case it break or fall off. This incident pretty much fucked me up both mentally and financially.

Goodbye my beautiful and healthy front teeth, I don't mean to exchanged you with a bloody ceramic. Now I have to live with (and pay for) this scam for the rest of my life. So yeah… truly, FuckMyLife.