Oncoming Storm

            Tomorrow I'll be finally finished the certificate course that fucking took me 1.5 year to finish. But it did not bring me comfort. Because deep down I know, what will happen next and it can’t be good.

         Here’s what going to happen: I am going to receive my certificate and after that, I am going to apply a few college in Singapore. But these are not the part that will bring me to depression all over again, if you ever followed up my life story to this point, you might already know what I am going to type next: Yes, it’s HIM, the RUINER, the SUCKER, THE MOST SELFISH PERSON AND THE ONE WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING TO RUIN MY LIFE, IT’S MY FATHER.

         It is inevitable, the reality will slowly sink in and one day I will be broken. He is that giant boulder on my shoulder and the core of my suffering. Sometimes I wonder, would it all be better if he just…… die? And the answer to my question is: YES, yes it would.

         Does it make me an evil person? I asked myself. When everything is going against you and the one should be supporting you aren’t helping, nor believing in you… and so I think I deserved the right to hate. When even your relatives doesn’t know the whole story and judge you for whatever you didn’t do, I think at some point I DO deserve the right to hate every single one of them.

…No, I don’t consider myself as an evil person for the hatred of wanting somebody to die.

I am so afraid, so scared.

I hate it when I am right.
I hate it even more when I can only do nothing ‘bout it.

My birthday is coming soon, but only a few would remember my existence. Fact is, I starting to care less because birthday is just another day to remind me of my failure. Every birthday hurts like hell and all I wish is I could never wake up in my sleep.

Still here, alive.

Few more weeks to go and I will be officially done with this semester, needless to say, I have to put extra effort in mathematic and economic. After all, I don’t want any “accident” for my last semester. Beside that, it’s been a long time since I last update my blog. It is because there is nothing really special to mention lately, most of all, I am busy with the assignments and tests.

CHARM

            This is not going to be another upset post, I promised J

            It’s one thing when you have a crush on someone, but what if the one you have a crush on actually talk to you?

Every time when I look at him, it’s almost as if fireworks exploding in my heart. And when he talks to me, I can barely contain the butterflies in my stomach, it’s like the entire universe suddenly emerges into me, but in a flattering way. Ha, what a way to describe a feeling.

            He is also the reason that my morning class becomes so much better, just the thought of looking forward to see him is more than enough to motivate me to get out of bed. Furthermore, a glance at him makes all my trouble disappear.

            Thinking back, I am the one that first said “Hi” to him. All because my feeling towards him is so strong it override my social awkwardness. Though, I did not regret one bit. He might not be the most handsome guy ever exist on Earth, but to me, he is the most nice looking guy I ever encounter. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” suddenly makes so much sense that I can feel my pupils grow bigger.

            Unfortunately, there are only 2 months left until finals. Time runs short and the feeling cannot be left unsaid. I have a plan to confess to him at the end of the semester, don’t ask me what if he react badly, I don’t care and I want him to know. 

Outta My Head

            It has been a few weeks since my last semester started. I didn’t talk to that bunch of cunt even once. Truths to be told, sometimes I am amazed by how easy I can cut people out of my life. I guess it is good when you always keep your friends as an alternative way of getting resource or help, after all, people suck.

-

            Speaking of the new semester, it’s time for college assignment again. One of the assignments required me to introduce myself. I swear to god, I have the talent to make my autobiography 110% more interesting, despite my boring life and whatnot…

            Another goal in this semester is keeping my hair pink instead of letting it fade to ugly blond. That means, I am going to dye my hair every month. If nothing goes wrong, this would be my very last semester, and I want to make it good.

DISPOSED

          There's so much good and the bad going on.

          Let me tell you a story, few weeks ago, a bunch of my friends planned a trip to Redang Island together. But something happened and one of them turn out hating me, because of that incident, these friends I had stop talking and hanging out with me. Furthermore, they handed me the deposit and tended to lie to me that there is not enough seats for the trip...

          WHAT A BUNCH OF TWAT!!

          If that is what "friend" means to them, willing to choose one over another, I am more than happy not to see them forever. Luckily, it's only four months left for me to complete this course.

          In spite of this unfortunate event, I do finally get a chance to hanged out with my best friend. Well, it is supposed to be two of them, but I guess one of them isn't that much of a good friend after all. 

          To be honest, hanging out with my best friend is a relief. When you with someone that know all your shit, understand your sarcasm but never took them seriously, the feeling is more than comfortable. With that being said, we did some catching up and had our lunch at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Beanstro, which is the usual Coffee Bean but upgraded high-class. By the way, I did some googled and I think it is the first and only Beanstro in the world.

          .... I think that pretty much sum it up what has happened lately, plus a recent photo of me, since I have never upload a single photo of me in years!

Stop, hurting me.

          If it weren't for your money, I'd have leave you by now. I want to get away from you as far as possible, never want to see you again, or hear from you anymore.

          I knew from the beginning it will come down to this, you will break your promised because you are YOU. YOU never keep your promises. Just as I predicted, that would be a lot of drama after I finished this course. But no one really believe me after I told them, why do everyone keep doing this? Ask me to put faith in him or try to convince him?

          Yeah right, see what happened when I put a little faith in him and try to convince him? I wasted my life DOING NOTHING! Stop saying: "only time will tell" this sort of crap to me! I KNOW WHAT WILL COME EVENTUALLY! Please, somebody please help me, PLEASE!

Remember me

          Have you ever have someone who care about you, give you advice, but one day, they just gone?

          It's been 3 years since you disappeared from my life. Why do you have to come back now? Do you still remember me? I don't think so. After all, we all changed from time to time.


          I will still remember you though, even though I'm not as important to you as you are to me. I will remember you...

Sigh

         

          I need a hug. A big bear hug, to hug out my insecurity.

          I don't always tell others how insecure I feel in real life, my college friends think that I'm a rich, confident, easily anger person. Because I have hidden so well, they did not know what the fuck is going on in my life, they did not even know my struggle to achieve my dream. 

          Besides that, life always giving me shit when I want to achieve something big. Before you going to say something, don’t even try to give me a lecture about god is training me to be stronger this sort of bullshit. You know that is not true and it’s only use for comfort people who are dumb enough to believe that.

         In short, the main reason that causes me to type this blog is probably the loneliness that asked me to. Sometimes, I felt like I am better left alone, but other times, I want somebody to remember me.