Tomorrow I'll be finally finished the certificate course that fucking
took me 1.5 year to finish. But it did not bring me comfort. Because deep down
I know, what will happen next and it can’t be good.
Here’s what going to
happen: I am going to receive my certificate and after that, I am going to apply a few college
in Singapore. But these are not the part that will bring me to
depression all over again, if you ever followed up my life story to this point,
you might already know what I am going to type next: Yes, it’s HIM, the RUINER,
the SUCKER, THE MOST SELFISH PERSON AND THE ONE WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING TO RUIN
MY LIFE, IT’S MY FATHER.
It is inevitable, the
reality will slowly sink in and one day I will be broken. He is that giant
boulder on my shoulder and the core of my suffering. Sometimes I wonder, would
it all be better if he just…… die? And the answer to my question is: YES, yes
it would.
Does it make me an evil
person? I asked myself. When everything is going against you and the one should
be supporting you aren’t helping, nor believing in you… and so I think I deserved the
right to hate. When even your relatives doesn’t know the whole story and judge
you for whatever you didn’t do, I think at some point I DO deserve the right to
hate every single one of them.
…No, I don’t consider myself as an evil person for the hatred of wanting
somebody to die.
I am so afraid, so scared.
I hate it when I am right.
I hate it even more when I can only do nothing ‘bout it.
I hate it even more when I can only do nothing ‘bout it.
My
birthday is coming soon, but only a few would remember my existence. Fact is, I
starting to care less because birthday is just another day to remind me of my
failure. Every birthday hurts like hell and all I wish is I could never wake up
in my sleep.
