Decided to blog again, because there is something I wouldn't tell anyone. Except... I want to tell someone.
I am jealous. I am jealous because I am not included. It is a feeling I am not used to, a strange distant feeling I do not like. It makes me feel down, afraid and helpless. It makes me insecure.
I started to care about him, hoping I am at least somebody in his world. But I am afraid I am just a passer by in his big busy universe. To him, I might be a seashell at the beach - you would occasionally pick it up, but you would drop it as soon as you found another.
I fucking hate this feeling. The more I told myself to stop thinking too much and stop feeling the way I felt, it just grew stronger and stronger. What is this? love? don't be silly... I don't love a long time ago.
It's going to hurt so fucking bad is it? I know it. This is going to hurt so fucking bad. I don't want to feel this way. Maybe I would forget about him in a few days? I hope so. This feeling makes me so powerless, so... vulnerable. I do not need another human being to make me complete. But now I sure do feel incomplete...
The feeling I do not want
Uh What?
It's been so long since I last posted. It's mainly because my new college schedule is really tight - there's a lot of studying and no term break. Oh... and don't forget nobody is reading my blog.
There are so many things happened since I last posted, I got a few new friends, a new hobby and a new interest. Things work out better than when I used to studied in Kuala Lumpur - I don't feel like an outcast anymore & I am more busy with rebuilding my life now.
Besides the usual study, recently I determine to go to gym on weekday and play inline skating on Saturday. I'm getting better at inline skating now, though I still don't know how to properly brake, I can at least go from A to B without falling. I am getting fitter too, turns out, going to gym for an hour 5 days a week wasn't very hard (yup, I'm bragging).
This Thursday I went to my first musical show - Mamma Mia! with a guy and a few of his friends. His friends were a bunch of nice people, dinner was great as well. This leads to another inner struggle I have had with myself - sometimes I cared too much when I should not, because deep down I know that person does not care about me as much as I do to him. "Do I like him?" "Maybe" "Does he like me""..."
ANYWAY... this December is super busy to sum it all up, I don't have time until next year, which in January I will get 2 of my window tooth extract, well... another story for another day. Speaking of December, I have no fucking clue what am I gonna do on my 21st birthday... the only idea I have is blow away 50 dollar in a casino... but that's it. What a loser I am, don't even have a friend who would willing to celebrate my birthday with me... sign... it's going to be like this for next few years isn't it...
On a side notes, I REALLY REALLY REEEEALLY wanted to travel to few countries after I finish diploma, somewhere in Scotland or Italy... maybe...
