Closeted


          I wanted to make a difference, to persuade others to accept who I am. But because the culture and government in Malaysia is mostly hidebound, bigoted and straitlaced, I do not want to do it here. But all in all, I found that many in this country received wrong kind of infos & ideas and they tend to spread it to others.

          It does not just apply to heterosexuals, but homosexuals as well. One of my friends used to ask me: "Who's the girl in the relationship?" I reply:


"Asking who's "the man" and who's "the woman" in a same sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork."
          But her response was: "Maybe only lesbian does this "differentiate" thing".
         
          ...
          No, even they (lesbians) do not.



          I did not know where she got the idea from, but I do not blamed her. Because I had encountered some narrow minded homosexuals in the past. They're mainly lacked of knowledge or they are afraid and scared. But then again, you might ask: "If I'm really that "educated", why don't you be the one educate them?"
          My answer to you is: I was never the 'teacher', I AM the learner. Is that good enough for your question? I cannot claim that I am smart nor have I ever read the 'How To Be a Homosexual 101". But I do know enough to not be easily influence by what others talk and say, especially the misguided parts.




Fear



          I can't stay here forever you know, I'm gonna be insane if I try. And I hate it when people think I'm gonna stay with them forever. How selfish can you be, really? 
          Maybe instead of trying to convince others that you are good to me, you can ACTUALLY be nice to me for once, not because you want to "show" others how nice of a parent you are. 

Whatever, I'm tired anyway. 

          Why do I still running this blog even though I know you will never gonna watch it? Oh well, you would not change a single thing even if you follow my blog anyway. Nothing can change your stubborn tiny mind anymore...
          Because of you my life is a mess, my future is confuse as fuck and I can't seem to find a way out. The only thing I can hold on to is a tiny spark of hope. A miracle. 




          Maybe this is the word I'm looking for all along. My heart is sick, sick of something and some place that I've never went before. With the thought strangle my heart everyday and I can do a so little thing about it.