The feeling I do not want

Decided to blog again, because there is something I wouldn't tell anyone. Except... I want to tell someone. 

I am jealous. I am jealous because I am not included. It is a feeling I am not used to, a strange distant feeling I do not like. It makes me feel down, afraid and helpless. It makes me insecure.

I started to care about him, hoping I am at least somebody in his world. But I am afraid I am just a passer by in his big busy universe. To him, I might be a seashell at the beach - you would occasionally pick it up, but you would drop it as soon as you found another.

I fucking hate this feeling. The more I told myself to stop thinking too much and stop feeling the way I felt, it just grew stronger and stronger. What is this? love? don't be silly... I don't love a long time ago.

It's going to hurt so fucking bad is it? I know it. This is going to hurt so fucking bad. I don't want to feel this way. Maybe I would forget about him in a few days? I hope so. This feeling makes me so powerless, so... vulnerable. I do not need another human being to make me complete. But now I sure do feel incomplete...

Uh What?

It's been so long since I last posted. It's mainly because my new college schedule is really tight - there's a lot of studying and no term break. Oh... and don't forget nobody is reading my blog.



There are so many things happened since I last posted, I got a few new friends, a new hobby and a new interest. Things work out better than when I used to studied in Kuala Lumpur - I don't feel like an outcast anymore & I am more busy with rebuilding my life now.

Besides the usual study, recently I determine to go to gym on weekday and play inline skating on Saturday. I'm getting better at inline skating now, though I still don't know how to properly brake, I can at least go from A to B without falling. I am getting fitter too, turns out, going to gym for an hour 5 days a week wasn't very hard (yup, I'm bragging).



This Thursday I went to my first musical show - Mamma Mia! with a guy and a few of his friends. His friends were a bunch of nice people, dinner was great as well. This leads to another inner struggle I have had with myself - sometimes I cared too much when I should not, because deep down I know that person does not care about me as much as I do to him. "Do I like him?" "Maybe" "Does he like me""..."


ANYWAY... this December is super busy to sum it all up, I don't have time until next year, which in January I will get 2 of my window tooth extract, well... another story for another day. Speaking of December, I have no fucking clue what am I gonna do on my 21st birthday... the only idea I have is blow away 50 dollar in a casino... but that's it. What a loser I am, don't even have a friend who would willing to celebrate my birthday with me... sign... it's going to be like this for next few years isn't it...

On a side notes, I REALLY REALLY REEEEALLY wanted to travel to few countries after I finish diploma, somewhere in Scotland or Italy... maybe...

Ain't nobody got time to blog that!

A sudden urge to blog about what's going on in my life lately, almost forget I have a blog, oops!


So... it's going to be a quick format blog, 'cause you know... I got lazy.

• 1. Life is eventful, which is good.

• 2. School's all right except for the assignment... how typical.

• 3. Sloppy group mate is the worst! It's too bad I have to resort to using threaten technic to get 2 of my group mate to do their work. 

• 4. It got me thinking: "Why do people do that? Why do people think it's okay to do last minute work and make it hard for everyone? Especially when your team member is your friend?"

• 5. I still need to put extra effort in accounting. IT SUCKS! I hate it so much but I still need to practice it again and again!

• 6. Something wonderful and amazing happened to me.  ***September 11, 2014

Stranger

I am finally moved to Singapore, blogging in the room I just moved in feel sorta... surreal. I don't know why, but I don't feel ready - ready for tomorrow class, new circle of friends and new chapter of my life. This feeling I'm experiencing right now is very different when I went to study in Kuala Lumpur. Thinking back, when I first arrived in KL and settled everything down, it just felt right and "smooth". Like everything's going to be okay.

But this time is not the same, maybe it's because I'm in a foreign country or/and because I'm living in an apartment with the landlord's family. I feel like a stranger. Which is weird, because foreign environment was never a problem to me since I always traveling and moving from house to house. However, the idea of going to class tomorrow kind of frighten me, it feel like something is not going to be the way it should be. 

Maybe I was just overthinking, or maybe I'm not. Or maybe I just need more time to get used to this environment. Whatever it is, I still need to get up early tomorrow, begin yet another tiresome, sleepless college life.

Firsts

          So many first time experiences happened in just 4 days. Needless to say, my first time flight travel is memorable & amazing. I can still remember my heart was pounding so fast with excitement when the airplane took off, the feeling of no longer being earth bound is what I have been longing for all my lonely life. My flight experience weren't as scary as some other described, my ears did not twitch with pain because of the air pressure, my guess is others might be exaggerated their flight experience.

          My first time riding an elephant is not as exciting as I think it would be, in fact, it is quite boring and slightly distasteful. Distasteful because I found the way they treated the elephants is not very nice. But there is nothing I could do so I moved on. Another one of my firsts is getting a massage, I have never get a massage before so the feeling of someone rubbing my naked body all over stimulating my senses is rather... pleasant. Yup, it's a good experience.

          Part of what makes Phuket so amazing is undoubtedly their beaches. Ohhh the beautiful beaches. Unfortunately I cannot play with the water because its monsoon season. But I did visited a lot of beautiful beaches in Phuket, those charming views and the atmospheres is very relaxing... sadly there is no way I can find a place like that back in my city life. It was nice while it lasted.

          Then I went to the most happening place in Phuket - Patong. The place is filled with tourists like me, but it is those manly, muscular guys that wore the thinnest tank top & shortest short possible eye candy made my heart raised. I'm not a lawyer or anything but there must be an intergalactic rule for how many attractive guys can be in one place... my heart can only go so fast... haha

          4 days is such a short trip, there are so many things I want to do and many places I want to see. There are regrets - I should've get a tattoo in Patong but I didn't 'cause of some reason. And I should have see the famous Simon show & the fantasea. Then again, I didn't 'cause for the same reason I didn't get a tattoo.

Will I go to Phuket again? very likely. With the same person I go with this time? NOPE.


          When there is a first, there is always a second. I am looking forward to my next travel destination. One thing though, my new college schedule is very tight, so I probably don't have any free time until I finish the course :( 
Until next time, ciao.

The idea of humanity in my book

I don't care as much as I used to.


First thought - 
I grow up in a very different and unique environment. I learned to watch & listen instead of talk, and think twice ahead before do. Because of that, I realized every person have their own dark side. Even the nicest person you ever met, they're either really good at hiding their true self, or they're simply innocent, but innocent do not justify them as a good person.
Sit down, listen & blend in with the background. Then you will see what is the person look like behind their mask.


Second thought -
Perhaps it's because of the TV shows and the movies, it makes people have unrealistic expectation of the outcome of their action. Most people think if they work hard enough, if they denied the possibility of their failure, everything will going to be all right and everyone wins, just like the protagonist in the movie. But often people forget, the one who live to tell the story are those who faces the reality, they know what must be done, they know life ain't a movie, or a fairy tale in that matter.
Frankly, the world we live in is just a giant mess, war exist and ignorant people are going to stay the way they are. People who treat their waiter/waitress badly and people drive recklessly, they are all live in the same world as we are, and THAT is the reality.


Third thought -
Attractive people pay less effort to achieve what normal looking/ugly people trying to achieve.


Fourth thought -
People doesn't like it when you're telling the truth, they want to hear whatever they wanted to hear, so sometimes you have to lie through your teeth.


Some people are offended when you tell them you don't care, they want you to care about the things that they care, even though it does not related to you personally what-so-ever.


Some people often reflect what you told them to themselves, they always think people are trying to tell them something. Through hidden or imply means.


And then there are people who are very insecure with themselves, but they choose to orally abuse others instead. 


Fifth thought -
People does not remember the time when you help them, they only remember when you do not.


Sixth thought -
People who says they are not easily manipulate by others are in fact, the easiest to manipulate. It is very easy to predict their action when you give them an option. Though, they would denied it, because nobody like to admit they are predictable.


Seventh thought -
Truth hurts. In real life, people like sweet talk of how awesome they are. It annoyed me, especially when people try to make me do something by sweet talking me to it.


Eighth thought - 

Ninth thought -
Some people tend to keep the truth from you, because they're afraid you would be upset when you know the truth. But when the inevitable comes, it's not the truth that make you angry, but the fact they keep the truth from you after all these times.
Sometimes, it wasted your effort or resources all because of them didn't tell you sooner.

Drifting

I have started this blog since 2009, I am amaze by how I am still running this blog to this day. Last I checked, many people that I followed have since quit blogging long time ago, perhaps they have something important to do in real life, after all, I am 20 years old now, time flies, ain't it?

Life seem slow lately, haven't study or doing anything fun for 6 months now, it feels like everything changed but somehow it still stay the same, does it make sense? When I went through my contact list recently, I realized that I don't have many friends. Most of them are high school buddy, not that they're not good enough, but I do wish to give my life a new chapter, doing something out of the box.
Something... that will make me... stand out

Nightmare

Just work up from a nightmare, and it got me thinking.

It’s been years since I saw my mother, she is a lying whore, a bitch & a devil. The hatred I have for her is still as strong as the day I left. I used to imagine what would I do if I ever encounter her again. No matter how I imagine the scenario, the conclusion is always ended up in her bleeding, because I want her to feel the pain she inflict on me, I want her to stop telling lies and I want her to suffer.

The nightmare I had last night still sent shivers down my spine. I was horrified when I running away from her, but just like every cliché horror movie, she kept getting closer and closer and eventually, she put her hand against my throat. I can still remember vividly that I was searching for a knife, thinking, maybe if I do this right, if I don't get any blood spill on my shirt when I thrust the knife in her, I could get away from killing her. Nobody would suspect it was me. 

However, she is so strong that I couldn't do anything but struggle.

Then I woke up.

After I woke, I still couldn't help stop remembering what the hell is going on. Everything I just dreamt of seem so surreal to me, if it come to a point where I see her again in the future, would I really kill her? Probably, I think.

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with all my might

It's been awhile since my last post, many good things happened. But there is always that one thing ruin everything.

For better or for worse, there is a plan I am working on to get me out of this shithole, but this plan is very uncertain because I have to gather many important document to make this work. I don't know what I'm thinking right now, but I'm sure as hell hoping this plan could work, or I will be very devastating.