Oncoming Storm

            Tomorrow I'll be finally finished the certificate course that fucking took me 1.5 year to finish. But it did not bring me comfort. Because deep down I know, what will happen next and it can’t be good.

         Here’s what going to happen: I am going to receive my certificate and after that, I am going to apply a few college in Singapore. But these are not the part that will bring me to depression all over again, if you ever followed up my life story to this point, you might already know what I am going to type next: Yes, it’s HIM, the RUINER, the SUCKER, THE MOST SELFISH PERSON AND THE ONE WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING TO RUIN MY LIFE, IT’S MY FATHER.

         It is inevitable, the reality will slowly sink in and one day I will be broken. He is that giant boulder on my shoulder and the core of my suffering. Sometimes I wonder, would it all be better if he just…… die? And the answer to my question is: YES, yes it would.

         Does it make me an evil person? I asked myself. When everything is going against you and the one should be supporting you aren’t helping, nor believing in you… and so I think I deserved the right to hate. When even your relatives doesn’t know the whole story and judge you for whatever you didn’t do, I think at some point I DO deserve the right to hate every single one of them.

…No, I don’t consider myself as an evil person for the hatred of wanting somebody to die.

I am so afraid, so scared.

I hate it when I am right.
I hate it even more when I can only do nothing ‘bout it.

My birthday is coming soon, but only a few would remember my existence. Fact is, I starting to care less because birthday is just another day to remind me of my failure. Every birthday hurts like hell and all I wish is I could never wake up in my sleep.