The feeling I do not want

Decided to blog again, because there is something I wouldn't tell anyone. Except... I want to tell someone. 

I am jealous. I am jealous because I am not included. It is a feeling I am not used to, a strange distant feeling I do not like. It makes me feel down, afraid and helpless. It makes me insecure.

I started to care about him, hoping I am at least somebody in his world. But I am afraid I am just a passer by in his big busy universe. To him, I might be a seashell at the beach - you would occasionally pick it up, but you would drop it as soon as you found another.

I fucking hate this feeling. The more I told myself to stop thinking too much and stop feeling the way I felt, it just grew stronger and stronger. What is this? love? don't be silly... I don't love a long time ago.

It's going to hurt so fucking bad is it? I know it. This is going to hurt so fucking bad. I don't want to feel this way. Maybe I would forget about him in a few days? I hope so. This feeling makes me so powerless, so... vulnerable. I do not need another human being to make me complete. But now I sure do feel incomplete...